Something so wild turned into paper (ann_septimus) wrote in stuttering,
Something so wild turned into paper

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it's been a bad month, and I need a place to rant

In the past few weeks, my stutter has taken a rather dramatic downturn. It’s gotten to a point at which I can barely say “hi” most of the time. I’ve taken to ducking and smiling and giggling as a way to camouflage that failing, but I do feel rather like an asshole for not being as reciprocating as I should be. Avoiding getting caught in casual conversation is more of a priority.

And honestly, with strangers, with acquaintances, with store clerks, with people with whom I have a passing relationship, it’s fine. It really is. Maybe I’m thought rude, maybe shy. It works. I smile, I tip well and I stay out of your way in the halls. It works.
The problem is that there are people with whom I honestly love to talk, argue, and just say “hi” or “I love you” to. This is getting frustrating. I love The Boy more than anything in the world and one of the reasons I do is that we can chatter on – seriously, fluffily, randomly – for hours. Hell, he’s the reason I pulled my first all-nighter in college: sitting up all night, just talking and talking and talking. And now I have to IM him from across the couch because I can’t ask how his day went in less than 5 minutes’ worth of wasted breath. Really, just being able to say “I love you” would be nice.

I scribble on napkins instead talking in restaurants and have given up on pleasantries. I want to invite my sister out to dinner, but can’t, because I know I’ll be unable to keep up a conversation with her. My poor officemate has given up even trying to make smalltalk and has resorted to IMing me from 2 feet away or ignoring me entirely. It works, I guess. I know it’s awkward and I know I’m ugly and embarrassing to be around when I get blocked... so it's better for everyone if we just avoid contact.

I know there’s nothing anyone can do, and I know this will pass. It always does. But it’s still effing lonely and I’m just frustrated, so I'm ranting, I guess. Because here's the only place I can.

As long as I don't get fired for being incompetent/unable to do my job, I'm fine, right?

It'll get better. And I promise I mean all the appropriate return-pleasantries, even if all I did was giggle like an idiot when you said "how are you?" to me. I also know you don't have 10 minutes to waste. Everybody wins.

Really, I don't know what I want out of writing this. I just needed to write it somewhere.

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I feel like we need to hug or something.

I always wish I could speak up and say the funny shit in my head but stuttering out a joke is never funny. So I just sit there silently most of the time. The only people I can talk normally around are my dad, my uncle, my grandma and my boyfriend. I still feel stupid every time I open my mouth though. I just know they're not going to make fun of me so I let it go.

I'm sure every other person in the world thinks I'm rude or a bitch or whatever. I do the same as you, just smile back and get out of there as quickly as possible. I know the waiter or the cashier probably won't remember the weirdo who can't talk right but it still makes me feel like shit that I can't do the small talk like everyone else does. Somehow it makes me feel separate from everyone else.
stuttering out a joke is never funny. Oh, holy fuck, yes. This. I run with a super-smart, super-witty set of people (my job tends to attract that kind of verbally-flexible, quick-witted, pun-loving sort of person), and I spend most of my life trying not to get too annoyed that I can't banter back as well as everyone else.

Somehow it makes me feel separate from everyone else. And yea -- this is exactly it. It's so isolating, because even if you do end up being fluent when you say something, you always know the machinations that went into it.

And yes, totally: *hugs*
My boyfriend is super hilarious and I wish I could match it with some of the stuff in my head but it's just never as funny when I say it.

you always know the machinations that went into it.
YES. People always try and say they understand but man they really don't and should be thankful that they don't have to go over everything in their head 500 times before they say it. And even then there's no guarantee it'll come out properly.
Dean + taco icon of loooooove! :-D

But yea -- I entirely agree. I think that the majority of people underestimate just how fundamental fluency is to their lives. Just the ability to say "how was your weekend? Mine was great! Thanks for asking." or "Two tickets for Fantastic Mr. Fox, please" without thought. The thousand offhand words you say every day, the meaningless torrents of words that most of the world never even THINKS about having said. It's something I literally dream about being able to do.
That taco killed Dean

I'm so jealous of people who don't have to think every word through before they say something. Or to be able to order a pizza or go through the goddamn drive-thru.
I still like the icon :-)

Oh god. To be able to order at a drive-through. Or even IN a restaurant without pointing at what I want/getting The Boy to order for me. That would be joy.
I can usually order in a restaurant pretty well if I've been there before and already know what I'm getting. But I can never order a root beer or Italian soda. Which is always what I want :|
*sigh* The drive-through. That or ordering pizza for delivery. Thank goodness you can order major pizza chains online now.
I can't tell you how often I sit and just listen to HOW people talk and am sometimes amazed at how they transition through sounds. I wonder, how do they do that and how come I can't?

Grrrr. Movie tickets. I can never say, "one adult for [movie title here]."
My savior at movie theatres are those ticket kiosks where you can just buy tickets and use your credit card. I know the counter-clerks look at me funny when there's no line and I make a beeline for the kiosks anyway... but oh, well. :-)
OMG! this is my favorite post today! I understand this completely. You are not whatsoever alone. I am too jealous of people who can have smart witty comebacks without having to worry about the blockage. It sucks, but hey that makes us "US". know what i mean.
drive thrus, calling for bills, etc, it's hard. but i'm the only one here most of the time, and it won't get done if I don't do it.

most people probably think I'm also a bitch and rude, but hey, whatever at this point.
I do feel your pain, and you are not alone.