Something so wild turned into paper (ann_septimus) wrote in stuttering,
Something so wild turned into paper

  • Mood:

it's been a bad month, and I need a place to rant

In the past few weeks, my stutter has taken a rather dramatic downturn. It’s gotten to a point at which I can barely say “hi” most of the time. I’ve taken to ducking and smiling and giggling as a way to camouflage that failing, but I do feel rather like an asshole for not being as reciprocating as I should be. Avoiding getting caught in casual conversation is more of a priority.

And honestly, with strangers, with acquaintances, with store clerks, with people with whom I have a passing relationship, it’s fine. It really is. Maybe I’m thought rude, maybe shy. It works. I smile, I tip well and I stay out of your way in the halls. It works.
The problem is that there are people with whom I honestly love to talk, argue, and just say “hi” or “I love you” to. This is getting frustrating. I love The Boy more than anything in the world and one of the reasons I do is that we can chatter on – seriously, fluffily, randomly – for hours. Hell, he’s the reason I pulled my first all-nighter in college: sitting up all night, just talking and talking and talking. And now I have to IM him from across the couch because I can’t ask how his day went in less than 5 minutes’ worth of wasted breath. Really, just being able to say “I love you” would be nice.

I scribble on napkins instead talking in restaurants and have given up on pleasantries. I want to invite my sister out to dinner, but can’t, because I know I’ll be unable to keep up a conversation with her. My poor officemate has given up even trying to make smalltalk and has resorted to IMing me from 2 feet away or ignoring me entirely. It works, I guess. I know it’s awkward and I know I’m ugly and embarrassing to be around when I get blocked... so it's better for everyone if we just avoid contact.

I know there’s nothing anyone can do, and I know this will pass. It always does. But it’s still effing lonely and I’m just frustrated, so I'm ranting, I guess. Because here's the only place I can.

As long as I don't get fired for being incompetent/unable to do my job, I'm fine, right?

It'll get better. And I promise I mean all the appropriate return-pleasantries, even if all I did was giggle like an idiot when you said "how are you?" to me. I also know you don't have 10 minutes to waste. Everybody wins.

Really, I don't know what I want out of writing this. I just needed to write it somewhere.

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